100422 ✨️morning episode and working through it.

The reason I preach so much about morning mindsets , is because mornings genuinely are so touch and go when you have cptsd, that if we are not constantly active in focusing on the happy , we can spiral down immediately.

Take this morning for example. Woke up to LOUD machine gun fire at my front door (now that I wrote this out I'm realizing that wad the trigger that set my insides on high alert --- we use airsoft/BBs here and sarqs dad was scaring off the roosters lol, 🐓 wasn't his fault , lol he doesn't really realize how actually severe this is in my brain, noone can . )

So , I was shocked awake by airsoft machine fire , and immediately my mind started flying like a pinball machine. I hate hate hate this symptom of cptsd , the intrusive thoughts and crazy fast thoughts.

I tried to center myself , but gave up to easy. I started bawl crying and hyperventilating as the past few weeks came all back to me . (Why I don't like that part of waking up-- when our brain wakes up... ) ofcourse I turn into a bitch to shawn who doesn't deserve it , due to me knowing now I'm in a episode and have to spend my entire day just trying to come back to center, and that takes EVERYTHING out of me.

See, I have been doing good, I was episode free for a while after finally leaving my dad's. (The core of my trauma) , but since being physically attacked in a very fucked up way the other week (Still working on that story entry , to get outer perspectives, unless he can manage to grow up before then. Because straight the fuck up, I don't deserve to now be stuck back in episodes every day just because everyone wants to cover for the attacker and make excuses for him. Fuck no.

Noone could EVER KNOW how hard I have worked and how far I have come with my CPTSD EPISODES.

So , even after I explain why this needs to be settled , for my mental health, and beh even my mom to try figure out what's going on and to tell him to say something and explain himself ,

Noone seems to care enough to make things right. It's so much easier to enable and run away, even if they are making Jasmine suffer 24/7 .

So now , I'm forced into having episodes daily again. Which I will NEVER FORGIVE THE ONES WHO ARE ENABLING IT, and I am supposed to just continue living here acting like nothing, acting like my entire family does all the time , fake . And I refuse to do that .

So it sets my episodes having to replay everything I've fought so hard to get away from when in fact I'm just BACK TO SQUARE ONE.

Noone has the right to act like this, it destroys souls .

So with all this going on in my head , I try to get up and walk to the bathroom but doesn't work so I just start hyperventilating more and more fall so i lay down in the bathroom in my house. And just cry for 15 mins. I have never in my life had someone genuinely try to help me during a episode, and to a certain point i can understand (we get angry alot with cptsd, so it leads to quick reactions of anger that we dont mean to do...me particularly having bad anger-- I take after My mom when it comes to the angry snapping reactions... good news is ,is that we can change, and work on this instead of DEFLECTING and acting like it's not there .)

I have to be able to center myself during a episode , and im always alone in it so its a thousand times harder... i try to take notice today , of the actual feeling and emotion within it , and those were : neglect, dissmissiveness, and the lack of compassion that is my personal circle. No wonder im so fucked up, look at my environment since birth!!! All that's there are head turners. Yes I can understand doing it to a certain degree, but when that's literally how you live your life, to the point that you refuse to even try to look in, then YOU ARE WRONG.

Please SHOVE THE TOXIC POSITIVITY UP YOUR ASS , because OUR CHILDREN WILL BE SUFFERING FROM IT IN WAYS YOU REFUSE TO SEE!! WTF!!! I pray my family can someday see the actual harm they have caused with the head turning. Only so they can wake up and stop wasting one more second denying them selves.

Tell me.... Why is it that a plant needs a good SUPPORTIVE environment to thrive , yet humans just dont deserve shit? Why is it when a human has issues everyone else just points points points , blames and RUNS , rather then being a decent fucking human being and actually being there for the ones they claim they care about. It's something that keeps me up at night.

The non chalantness of the world ,and the sheer denial to look at self will be the literal end of us all. If people would truly focus on the things they CAN HELP, such as their familys and home life, instead of focusing on OTHERS issues, it would be such a love filled world. There wouldnt be so much suffering. The change starts within our 4 walls.

I do understand people sometimes dont know what to say. Or that i can be angry , but this is a top symptom of my illness. And to deny acknowledging that would be to deby me healing, just as what is happening with the flabbergasting attack the other week and noone caring to make it right. Look, when anyone is in a episode , they can get angry and it seems they are mad at you in particular, but please try to remember it's a actual serious mental illness that takes time to work through. We can and WILL get through, but ONLY WITH THE CORRECT SUPPORT OR COMPASSION.

Shawn and Sara are here yes, but when I'm crying on the floor in the bathroom collapsed, I just want human compassion.

Today I made it a point as I was on the bathroom floor actually to point out my feelings- and this is what I take away from it -

I. Need. Compassion. I need help when I'm in a episode, and its something I've never gotten , I've always had to deal alone. I need human touch to pull me out , i need to know that i am not worthless , trash to be thrown out anytime im "too much" for someone. I need anyone to try fucking anything.

That's why I made this blog . To be able to not feel so alone. If you are someone like me who suffers from CPTSD and feels alone in it , make sure you subscribe here , I think we can learn alot from each other . I love you . Aloha.

AND PLEASE, HOLD YOUR BOUNDARIES, NO MATTER WHAT BULL$#IT YOUR FAMILY TRIES TO TELL YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE (such as let it go, leave it alone,etc . )This is their way of trying to paint you as the bad person as always for having feelings or holding someone responsible for their actions. Just because you were raised this way does NOT MEAN IT IS RIGHT IN ANY WAY. WHEN YOU WRONG SOMEONE, when you send someone who has fought so hard to be free of her Complex ptsd episodes back to square one , living in episodes every. Fucking. Day, and not even her parent cares to help by making him be a man and right his wrong, you can't even imagine the feeling. At this point honestly, unless I see actual change or care from these people , I going to have to withdraw myself from even knowing them so I can get better.

The hardest thing has been standing up for myself .

My literal whole entire family now refuses to talk to me, they are allllll fucking quiet and scared. Bullshit. So , I will never again be a part of that. Screwed me over for the last time, and even though I know exactly that its a reflection OF THEMSELVES AND HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES (NEVER EVER WILL FACE SHIT, JUST PUT THE FAKE SMILES ON) IT DOESNT MEAN IM WILLING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO LOOSE MY SOUL ALSO.

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT. I APPRECIATE YOU. SOME DAY IN MY UNIVERSE I WILL FEEL NOT SO ALONE, BUT THAT DAY WON'T BE A DAY FILLED WITH MY FAM.

all anyone ever needed to feel was someone actually trying, not just acting like they are listening to shut me up. All i ever prayed for was someone who cared enough and thought i was worth it enough to try to break through . But i NEED TO REALIZE,

If they aren't even worth it, or their children are not worth it for them to stop the evil enabling crap, why would I be .

Have a good day, and remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT. And the ones who knowingly allow your destruction, ARE NOT. 🔥

When you find yourself alone on the floor , remind yourself how much you've survived, and that healing is within reach, we just have to not give up no matter how hard it is or how alone we feel in it. We are so conditioned to not put our feelings on others , that we dobt understand how much we are truly hurting our own souls. To deny our feelings is to deny our selves life. Find your happy in the darkest of places. Remember, there can be no dark without light , there is nothing so dark that the light can't shine on it.

You are that light. It's inside of us all, we just have forgotten that over the past few millenniums.

I would love to hear some support... is there anyone out there?

Jazzy.