Another morning! I must say I am proud of myself .

What started as a normal awakening at 6:10 am , turned into a anxiety filled morning for my sweet daughter (and naturally , in return , me . But the difference is now I react differently).

Our daughter has major major before school anxiety. I fear it is starting to really get worse , because it makes her mornings before school like hell on earth . No , there's no bullying going on , it's pure transitional anxiety . She hates it . As soon as she opens her eyes , she's already in cry mode .. every. Single. Day.

When she gets worked up and anxious , it sparks the anxiety and guilt in me for even letting her get this way. I wish with everything in me my sweet girl has worries and anxieties , I want her to be a happy and peaceful girl and enjoy her youth .

The reason I feel guilt is because I HAVE allowed myself to turn into the mean and quick reacting mom I never wanted to be . And I never want to be that again. I know she has felt in the past we don't believe her when she doesn't feel good before school , but she also is old enough to know that every kid doesn't like going to school and that alot do struggle with it in the mornings , it's ok.

We can't fight emotions . We have to learn how to live with them .. how to coexist ...

I am trying now to instead approach with compassion and teach her that life is a series of things we don't WANT to do ,paired with things we do WANT to do.. but we just have to get through certain things in order to do what we WANT to do .. she just has to figure out how to find the positive in it all, find the little things .

Before I made the decision to focus on my healing , I would react in anxiety myself and get tense and mad and just tell her it doesn't matter because we have to go to school . I realized I would react to her just like my parents would react to me .

Saying things like "the world doesn't end just because we are sick" or we just "have to get over it " etc. These things are really causing generations to be self destructive , because we are all molded to believe we are just supposed to cover up feelings and we deteriorate trying to stay so busy we don't think about our problems .

But, the past couple months HAVE been different . Back in August , we all got sick after going to the other side of the island , to tourist central Kailua Kona . She ended up starting school two weeks late due to us all having what we thought was covid (we are strictly against the testing and fear factor crap the media feeds us , so we treated ourselves and stayed at home away from everyone ).

Well, since then she has been ok maybe a few days out of a couple months before school. I genuinely think she is one of those who's immune system is taking a longer time to bounce back .

The last time we took her in to the Dr , he gave us a take home covid test . Today was the day we finally used it.

It was a interesting experience, and she tested negative !! Woohoo thank you Lord !

I am so glad that today , instead of going into anxiety attack mode and episode mode , I told my daughter "mommy has to walj away , walk outside for a few minutes because I don't want to turn mean I want to calm down " . She knows that I don't want to react in anger and I'm trying to change .

I took a few minutes outside and was having a extreme extreme panic attack . I said some prayers and focused HARD on my breathing . Stomach breathing . I came back to center .

I went back in , and held my boo in bed and gave her a kiss and she said "I love you mommy , your the best ".

It was the best thing to hear , in the whole entire universe .

Again, Love wins every time .

I hope you choose love in every step .

XO

Jazzy