Growth

Wow. Now if this doesn't make me proud of myself and the hard decisions I've had to make the past week.

See, sadly ... almost a few weeks ago now, something very extreme happened, and I will try to explain it as short as I can, taking as little of your time as needed, and I really want you to comment your thoughts on this please, when i do make the blog entry.

It will be the next entry, so stay tuned. If you haven't done so already, now is the time to subscribe (talk about bs, unfair, and still unsolved, purposely unsolved due to the one person who could help just not wanting too... drama).

It's very important to me, and it wont stop replaying in my head, over and over, until I get closure aparently, due to the nature of the physical attack , and emotional. -- typical CPTSD SYMPTOM, I am working on it...the thing is , is that noone will talk to me about it, and the only one that could help in any way refuses too, and instead deflects to start any other fight when I try to speak about it and get anywhere. Therefore I am now at the end of my rope, and need more genuine perspectives.

☆☆ hey, i used to feel this way too, Alfa☆☆

I have spent my entire life shutting up and putting my true feelings aside for the sake of others and their issues , because I DO have empathy.

But I refuse to be a carpet any longer to be walked on , or a scapegoat to point fingers at instead of actually solving the problem at hand, and im done putting on a fake smile with the ones who put one on for me, just to make me feel heard & just so I shut up.

The dismissals at this point are just slaps to a already red face, just mode stabs to a already completely riddled with stab wounds heart. Yet, no matter how many times I explain the hurt from their head turning, it doesn't matter to them I guess, because to them, I'm just rambling.

All i know, is from now on, there is no way on God's beautiful green earth will I EVER accept anything less then what I deserve again .

It's called boundaries . And its NEEDED to heal. When our parents never instilled this very important lesson as children into us , it can lead to so much unneeded suffering. The sooner we can take control, the better. Stand your ground. You are worth it.

The quick reactions , the anger, is something I'm really in need of control of and am working on. For me though, I don't get angry unless I an shown that same energy. Treat me how you want to be treated, simple really. 😌

Anyway,

I'm super hurt, confused , and frustrated with the event that happened, and with the fact that noone will talk to me about it, especially knowing it triggered my cptsd , and that now i'm now dealing with episodes again for the first time in a while, and that the only way to help is to hear from him why he did that or that it won't happen again ... it's infuriating to me because it hurts alot, and I'm about to cut them out of my life, for good , unless my boundaries are respected or acknowledged by talking to me.

So , stay tuned for the crazy story . I'm taking my time to get it written out good , and will genuinely be seeking input . Please help me with your voices (comments) when the time comes , I'm pretty sure. We are in for quite the read with coffee in the am.

Time for My prayers and bed.

Goodnight world

Xo

Jazzy