Hardest thing to do. No contact. They know where to find me. #BOUNDARIES

Up all night .

It's hard to sleep when your mind thinks about stuff like your remaining parent choosing someone else (not even considering its the one who attacked the f outta you and scared the shit outta you with mental helath episodes ) over you, when that was your last real family left , and all you get is excuses and deflection and blame . Instead of helping her daughter work through the hardest scariest thing that she has dealt with by simply fucking coming here for 5 minutes like a GROWN ASS ADULT to talk to me lee and shawn, since Lee can't grow balls enough to explain to the person he fucking attacked what happened and say he won't do it again which is vital for my survival here .

Fin lame as f to me, that I've been asking the person who is supposed to love me and be there for me no matter what to come talk to us so we can move past this,  for 5 minutes with her worker , since September.  This shit is bullshit and I'm sick of it.

When you've given a person every chance to come like a grown up and speak and solve a very serious issue, when you've actually given them the ULTAMADUM, and they refuse to and do everything they can to run away as fast as they can, you can only leave them behind , and go no contact . They just don't give a shit how much it hurts you.

Because yes , it will hurt, more then any of it,  having to actually hold to that ultimatum  (ITS CALLED LOVING YOURSELF , ITS CALLED BOUNDARIES,  yeah, meaning don't allow drunk fools to come attack you gnarly for no reason at all and then not even acknowledge it or hold him accountable afterwards , or the POS will do it again whenever the f he sees fit . REMEMBER THIS world.)

Don't ever try to make yourself think that if you are explaining how much something hurts and someone just blames you more and runs away, that that person is showing you any type of love . That is not love , care or respect.  Maybe it's in there somewhere , but they don't deserve any part of you if they shit on you at your lowest , until they can look at themselves in the fucking mirror.

Never once did I ever act like a Saint (one if the famous go to's when this person won't look at themselves at all is something along the lines of how "i act like i never did wrong" , but the thing is it's juts #deflection and #blame, as i have NEVER acted like that in life , i am trying to WORK THROUGH MY WRONGS . Aparently the way I am is a actual result of my upbringing and how they taught me to feel think and act by watching them, which is #commonsense , but also as the trauma therapist explains , I am exactly like both of them, the tendencies that they soooooo say they cant handle , are their own. I learned from watching them . Its how this works yeah.

but i AM trying hard to change, instead of running and deflecting. THATS THE DIFFERENCE  . We grow up and have the chance to change fir the better , instead of continuing to run and blame and deflect ( #cptsdawareness #healingjourney ) , because I don't want to be like the ones who caused so much hurt inside me so easily without cares in the world, sleeping so easy as they do. I lay it ALL out on the line , good bad AND THE damn UGLY, it's called BEING HUMAN, something most could never even dream of doing,  cuz most are so scared of what society thinks , so they just put on fake crazy smiles and cover up their actual soul.

So , to end this rant & final closing post about this BS that ive been putting you all on my page through since september (when the incident happened) ..... all i have to say now is , It's a slap in the fucking face and a crushed heart if you dwell on the things like this for to long, the toxic parts of "family" . Just say fuck it and keep going, find your peace somewhere and know you gave every chance and tried as hard as you could.

If you WERE worth it to them , you wouldn't have begged for 5 months for the one person who can help to come and speak to you for 5 fucking minutes yeah.  Pure Cowards all around , which is so sad because i had such clouded perceptions of these people . I even idolized a couple of them for some reason,  most of my life .

I do feel like sometime in a past life I had parents that actually cared for me in a way that was pure and not just running (mom) or putting their own trauma on me (dad). And thats just the straight facts . People can victim shame, blame , and whatever the fuck they wanna do to me , idgaf anymore , that's on yall. I'm working through it , they won't.

Today isn't gonna be fun, but I'll be doing my best as always .

And ps - if your struggling with family issues , generational trauma , and are the one trying to better yourself fir your family but are just met with walls everywhere , THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE. THOSE WALLS ARE THERE FOR A REASON . TRUST THEM . TRUST THE UNIVERSE. some people really are just lost to their own selfishness . You are worth more then all the pain you have been harboring. I promise . One day it WILL all make sense. And until then , just hold on , hold on to your hope , the love you do have in your life , and hold on to your faith. It's what will keep you ALIVE  .

XoJazzyCPTSD & Me: Working through the chaos .