Mmmhmmm.

It is not actually humanly possible to count the times my father has used the "I already went to therapy" excuse ... My entire life that's all he ever said yet I never witnessed him actually trying to get better . He always just blamed me and my actions , and how I need to just be better for him (major emotional parentification I know I'm spelling it wrong, but that is what my trauma therapist calls it) etc ...

Uhmmmm... No, your the parent, you had a kid YOU NEED TO BE THERE FOR IT AND SUCK IT THE F UP, AND BE BETTER FOR THEM, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND YEAH.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't therapy a LIFELONG process ? I mean sometimes we can work through things in a few years if we're lucky.. or learn some tricks and tricks to self soothe at home after a few sessions.. but to truly heal from CPTSD... We have a lifetime of dedication to look forward to... Some people don't actually completely get better from this . Others do .

I am working now with a trauma CPTSD specialist in Hilo , and she is getting me ready for EMDR treatment.. really looking for personal experiences with it also, so if you have done this yourself, please let me know your thoughts , did it help?? I do know it's frustrating and takes a lot of dedication to do therapy for some people (like my dad , but he really needed it . He won't acknowledge anything or look at himself in the mirror at all, and lives in a alternate reality , and going to therapy does require looking at ourselves , looking within ..)

(--man these action lab workbooks for the Bootcamp I'm in, really really is putting a lot into perspective about myself and how I act 😩⚔️🙏💯🔥--- ☝️ and the thing is , I act exactly as my mom and dad act . Because , common sense , they are what I had as examples growing up... I didnt have any introduction on how to be a functional member of society .. I had one that just run run runs, staying to busy busy busy on the one side , and one that blames the entire world for every single thing that ever happened to him , including the rain falling from the sky, stuck in a extremely traumatic abuse flashback circle for 50 years , on the other ..yet noone can see that , they just want to blame the kid .)

Just never give up , always believe in yourself. If we don't believe in ourselves , our healing journey is , quite literally, at a standpoint.

Good Lord man . The things my father had put into my head growing up .. makes me so infuriated , but also so so sad at the same time .... This blog , will have random bits and pieces of my traumatic childhood pertaining to whatever article or meme or resource I am sharing at the moment .... And this meme here hit me hard ..

The fact that my father was so EXTREMELY tormented by his own relationship with his father, and abuse he suffered at the hands of his own father , is something that DOES make me have compassion for his completely shattered soul. But I also at the same time, hurt too because I never had a father , or really any type of mom that I ever saw or connected with , due to her relationship with her mom as well. It's like I feel I was brought into this situation to be the healing link . Both sides , have extreme trauma linked to their parents . Alot of times when I meet others with Complex PTSD , they are dealing with issues stemming from ONE PARENT .

With me , I now have realized the true culprit in my personal life story of C-PTSD, is BOTH. So it's really hard for me to work through, even with a trauma specialist, because I don't have either of them to actually want to try to talk to me (my dad disowned me and his granddaughter, 2 years ago this July, because he refused to look in the mirror , and my mom is here, but not. She ignores, just stays silent , and rubs as fast as can when I'm reaching out for help and I don't understand how a person can be so cold to their kid. ) Or to try to help at all in the situations .

On the other hand... my other parent.. always told me stuff like she's to busy, just " oh well" , suck it up, etc , how I'm overreacting etc and run off to whatever it is that's more important, whenever I had a actual issue in life , instead of talking through it with me . (neither of them EVER have stood up for themselves in this life , and actually get extremely upset whenever I do stand up for myself as if I'm being sooooooo bad ..

°°° day 2 new year new me Bootcamp workbooks in my garden with my coffee ❤️

-- which is where alot of the arguments start, me upset at some sort of I'll treatment I'm seeing unfold and I'm supposed to just "let it go" my family is fuckin conditioned to cover everything up man what the hell !! And noone says shit!! I am not even joking when I say that the royal family of England has less cover ups of feelings and actual issues that we just ignore and slap fake smiles on daily... )

I am no damn carpet and never will be , I don't allow people to treat me like shit just because "they had a hard life" , uhhhh fuck that ok, we ALL have had a hard life and it's not a excuse to treat others like the shit in your toilet.

It's only a reason to HEAL and WORK THROUGH IT.

anything else ,

I won't be a part of, from this year on . Atleast I have this blog to vent it all out on . I am also starting EMDR treatment soon with trauma therapist . This is something I really am looking forward to... Because I don't really know how to move forward, but I know I am . ❤️❤️❤️💯🔥

See ya next time

Xo

Jazzy